This morning, I woke up screaming.
What did I see in my dreams? I have no idea. I don't have the time anymore. I wake up and run off to work and class. I don't eat breakfast. My lunch is what I can grab from the lunchtrucks (the always ubiquitous cheesesteak) and dinner is the dining hall glued to the computer.
Sometimes I stare off. I try to think about things, but then I always tangent into something else. Thoughts about fluidic hepatocyte microchambers drift into job interviews drift into 5 page papers about something or other. Strangely, this has helped because sometimes I have no idea what I'm doing. I snapped out of it a few hours ago and realized I was in chem lab. What? Then I'm walking home. Or I think I am. Then I'm in class. Then work. Then home.
And just what is with our country anymore these days?
My friends seem off to me lately. Ever get the feeling that everyone is just a tad too nice? Did I walk through some stargate? Did everyone get lobotomies? I did as little work as possible in my team's last project and yet no one has said anything. Last week I made a grave error in stoichometry and only the T.A. lorded it over me. I expected a little more, I dunno, laughter or mocking at my incredibly stupid mistake.
I can't say I've even been a good friend. I walked by a guy I knew and completely ignored him. Well, it's just that I didn't see him. I guess I was spaced out again. I do it alot. Thinking. But they are polite about it. And I have no idea why. I would personally be upset. But I guesss I'm different. I guess I'm petty like that. I don't think so.
I spend more and more time walking up and down the River Park. When I get the chance and that is increasingly rare. I find it relaxing despite the fact that it is wedged around freight train tracks (carrying all the lovely products from the oil refinery and other assorted industry across the Northeast). And the river never looks too good. But it's better than nothing. And Fairmount Park isn't too safe these days.
But I can just sit there and watch the sun set. Even though I'm not supposed to. Or really even be out much during the day.
So I work.
I forget things. I forgot this blog. Well, to be fair, I just haven't had the time. I log into Second Life and forget that I'm supposed to be logged in. I drift thinking about other things. Just how do cows with names produce more milk than nameless cows? Usually hardly anyone is online anymore. Maybe I am logging in at the wrong times. Or maybe I'm spacing out again and not noticing the friends' box.
Just what am I doing anymore?
Some say that after you wear a mask, for a long long long time, it leaks into you, it becomes you. You forget who you were before you put it on and when you chose it and why. Who am I anymore? Even though I haven't logged in regularly for about three months, I think of her. And see through her eyes. I don't even know who she is. But she is me, for better or for worse.
Who am I anymore?
My dreams are nightmares, my life are dreams. I don't think I can even tell reality anymore. If there ever was such a thing.
And yet, through it all, I laugh. I have a sense of humor, you see. Hahahah. I laugh at the refinery lit like a Christmas tree. I laugh at the bus, which lowers itself down to make it easier for you to board. I laugh at the professor who says, "I want to show you this..." after each individual slide on her powerpoint. I laugh at the morning glories as they curl at night, and at the few stragglers who don't. I laugh at the medicine and I laugh at the chair. I laugh at the incredibly humorous 'Do Not Wakl' sign the construction workers put up. I laugh at the ROTC guys giving the local Communist party looks, and the snickering the Communists give to the Socialists, and the tsk tsk of the Socialists at the Libertarians, and the cabbie who almost just ran me over. It's just all so wonderful.