Friday, February 1, 2008

How Come We Cross On Green?

I meet a lot of very dim bulbs. They're very nice people, but sometimes a sentence will pop out and floor you with its ignorance. A few select pearls (my dialogue is italics):

On New England

Super bowl is coming up.

Yea, I'm so excited

Who are you rooting for?

New York, of course


Because I want the USA to win

Isn't New England in the United States?

If it is then why is it New ENGLAND? Duh. It's in England!

On Salad

I like to eat healthy.

Ah, that explains why you only have a salad then.


-Proceeds to pour italian salad dressing all over salad

uhh... what are you doing??


That dressing is loaded with junk, it's not healthy at all.

But then how is the salad supposed to taste good?

-By now, it is more soup than salad

Jesus, you're going to need a spoon instead of a fork at this rate.

This is not a soup. It is a salad.

I doubt that. It's more dressing than food.

Salad dressing isn't a food?

On Cosines

So, cosine is like measuring the length of one side of a triangle, right?

I suppose you could look at it that way.

Oh, okay. I'll get a ruler.

No no no, you use this formula.

But how can you check it? I'll go get the ruler and measure it.

-This drawing was in meters. The answer was 13 meters. She turns to me and says:

Hey, you're wrong. This is only 3 centimeters.

On Computers

Hey, you have a Dell!

Indeed, I do.

You're a Bill Gates lover then!

I guess?

I had a Dell once.


Ya, it broke after a few weeks. I was so so angry.

I imagine. Computers aren't cheap.

Yeah, so I bought a gateway. I wasn't gonna buy another dell and give Bill Gates more money.

Uh, Gates makes the Operating system. He doesn't have a hand in the hardware.

What? THen who makes Macs?


What? I thought it was dell?

Dell makes PCs.


Who makes Dells then?

On Brains

Hey, did you catch that slide?


Cool. What was the last point?

Uh, I think something on nerves.

Yeah, I know. What about the last slide?

I think something on brains?

I know. It was on the midbrain. What was it?

The brain?


The Brain? Like the thing in your skull? The big cheese?

Yes, that brain. What was the last slide about?

We're doing brains?

Yeah, for the past week. Where were you?

Uh, I thought we were doing the nervous system.

On Standing in Line

Hey, what's this line for?

To get tickets for the movie.



What movie?




I don't want to see that movie.

Okay. Then I'd get out of the line and leave.


...minutes later...

Hey, can I see another movie?

Yeah, that line over there.

But then I'll be last in line.

Well, if you stay here you'll have to buy tickets to Cloverfield.

I don't want to see that movie.

I know. That's why you should exit this line.



But I don't want to be last in line.

On Crossing the Street

Hey, if cars go on green, how come we cross on green?

On NeuroSurgeons and Nurses

One of the scariest things I have seen was a surgeon with intention tremors.

Wait, why did none of his fellow surgeons or nurses call attention to it?

Nurses aren't allowed to do surgery.

Okay then, how many patients did he kill?

Well, maybe a nurse or surgeon helped him.

How would you say they did that?

I guess they held his hands.


Hey, what's your GPA?


WHoa, that's really low.

Well, that's about a C, isn't it?

No, no.

70 is a C. 2.8 is like a way way low F.

No, GPA is out of 4.


4% is low. People must be really stupid if a 4 is an A.

On Shooting

Hey, I need help.

Okay, shoot.

I don't wanna shoot you.

On Warranties and Refunds

Hey, I rezzed your sax and now I can't find it

okay, teleport me over. Maybe it's ghosted.


..I teleport over..

Hmm, and it never popped out?

Yeah, it's gone.

Not in your lost and found?


Okay, tell me when you bought it so I can cross check that you actually bought one.

You don't trust me??

I'm just making sure you're not trying to rip me off.

But I swear I got it legally.

Okay, okay, I understand. I just have to make sure. I have to be consistant. Otherwise everyone will be saying they bought and lost one.

Why dont' you trust me?

Just tell me the goddamn date.

Feb 13th.

Okay, hold on one second, and it should come along in about a minute.


Did you get this as a gift?


Well, I am not finding your name coming up as a buyer. Are you sure you didn't get it as a gift?

Yeah I bought it

Well, you didn't buy it from me.

I did buy one!

From who?

From "Guy" (name blacked out to protect innocence)

Okay, what's his full name?

"Guy Gisborne".

Okay, I'll ask him then.

Why don't you trust me?

Store policy, I'm sorry. I have to be fair and watch out for myself.


Okay, Guy did buy one. Let me ask him if he gave it to you.

I swear I did!!

okay, okay, hold your horses.


Okay, he did sell it to you. Now, I'll tell you what. I can give you a new copy of it. I can't give you a refund because you got it second hand. But if you want a new copy of it I have plenty of those.

I think I'd like the refund.

I cannot do that. I can only refund the original buyer, and he sold it to you.

But you robbed me!

No, I didn't. You bought it second hand off of Guy. I will only refund Guy. If you want a refund on it you'll have to go talk to Guy.

YOu fuckin bitch, you robbed me.

Please, I can give you a new copy.

I want my money back this is fuckin ridiculous

This is your last warning. I can give you a new copy. I will not refund you for something sold to you by someone else. Take it up with Guy if you want a refund. I can't patrol each and every yard sale around Second Life with people who have bought something of mine from someone else and wanted their money back.

But he's your employee!

No, he is not, if he was I would have refunded you without question.

But he sold me something you made!

Yes, that is called capitalism. Selling anything and everything.

I have told you explicitly what I can and cannot do. If you are stuck on this choice, I can wait until you reach a decision. If you continue to pester me about refunding you, I am going to have to mute you.

I'll tell all my friends to boycott you!!!

If they are anything like you, then please do.

Sadly, this is only the tip of the iceberg. I think I am going to stop here before I lose all hope in humanity.

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