Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Left Handed Mayhem

People who are left handed creep me out. Sinister used to mean 'left' and there's good reason for it.

Let's get the obvious out of the way first: it's pretty damn inconvenient to write with the opposite hand. Why would anyone ever bother? I've seen lefties with horrible dirty smudges running up their palms which stick even after repeated washings. It harms their scribbles (I'm being generous there by calling their chicken scratch 'scribbles') as well. Most of it appears to come hot off an old fashion printing press with ink slurs across the entire page. Ugh.

And then their accommodations tax both time and sanity. I had the misfortune to have to sit in a left handed disk and the experience of reaching across the desk to be able to write was unbearable. My elbow kept drooping down into my legs and sometimes near the end of sentences and equations my palm would slip. This all forced a huddled position across the arm of the desk. I swear one kid in our class who was left handed was watching me and he had this grin plastered across his face. I wanted to wipe it off with his smudge filled (and probably completely wrong and failing) test sheet.

Ambidextrous scissors seemed like a good idea. Too bad it hurts my hands. By trying to accommodate people of both handedness, they ended up making everyone uncomfortable. All this because some southpaws whined and moaned about how their fingers hurt. Now everyone's miserable! Thanks for nothing. The same applies to every other implement which are just better right handed. There's a reason why right handedness is predominant, and that's because so many things work better on the right. Scissors worked great on the right. In the middle, they stink.

Left handedness has been associated with extreme evil. Harry S Truman was left handed, and he cold heartedly dropped two atomic bombs on two innocent Japanese cities. Seriously, how did he sleep at night? The right handed FDR managed to never nuke any German, Italian, or Japanese city. In comes the lefty and bam. Two down in a row. Hitler and Stalin were also left handed and seriously, do I really need to explain it in those cases? The list goes on and on. Napoleon was left handed as is Fidel Castro. Jack the Ripper and Atilla the Hun round out the list. So, we know there is a pattern of left handed people behaving as generally evil people.

I think the primary cause is their cross wired brains. You see, in a normal ordinary right handed person, the dominant side is the left side of the brain. Whereas in the left handed abomination, it shifts to the opposite. Now, the right side of the brain was never meant for dominance. As a result, over the centuries it has accumulated a vast array of defects and oddities. Things the left side of the brain knew it needed a little of, but didn't want completely overruling everything. But now, in a lefty's brain, such detrimental waste is brought to the forefront with disastrous consequences.

For example, one of the acclaims is that lefties are more intelligent than comparable right handers. But is this really the case? As we discussed above, many lefties are inherently evil. We should also notice that said lefties were also intelligently evil. To a degree, anyway. Their evil was systematic and executed with cunning forethought. For example, Jack the Ripper chose to murder in a time period where criminal investigations were delightfully shoddy. That is sheer evil left genius. Intelligence, yes, but at the price of being unable to utilize such genius in any field for the betterment of the human race. In a way, we should pity them as they cannot help what they are.

There's also talk that they are more creative than 'Northpaws'. This is due to sheer luck. You see, one of the nasty things driven from the left side of the cerebrum is the emphasis on visual and simultaneous processing. This is bad because on a given problem, a southpaw become a Jack of all trades, master of none. Nothing gets done because they spend too much time looking at the big picture and thus cannot find any solution.

No such problem in the proper right handed individual, however. The unique logical and linear analysis exclusive to that hemisphere is perfectly suited to breaking down a task and solving a problem in detail. Thus, work can get accomplished as well as be properly documented so that future generations can build upon it (rather than: "hey, this works to solve the entire thing! Let's run with it!" silly lefties). Things get done in an organized manner without all that 'craetive' nonsense the leftist idiots will lob at you.

There are some things which, thankfully, work against them. On average, their lifespans are nine years shorter. Most of it is due to being unable to function in our society. Their unnatural handedness can easily lead to accidents while driving cars or operating heavy machinery where the machines are finely tuned to the right (as they should be, if they were reversed far more accidents would occur). In addition, the genes which cause left handedness probably also cause epilepsy, autism, dyslexia, and Down syndrome; all of which are detrimental to surviving in our world. Epilepsy and Down syndrome are particularly nasty. Imagine if your surgeon was an epileptic left hander? No thanks. Epileptic left handers flying right handed airplanes probably die by the truckloads. It's probably for the best because being left handed is a severe impediment and as I've established, they're evil.

Left handed people are evil. And it is only through the grace of divine Providence that they only compose 7% of the population. That's enough evil for one world.


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

You're a horrible, petty person.